The Panty Problem that isn't a Problem

As I've whined about several times, I haven't lost weight in nearly three weeks.

Even though I'm upset by the plateau, I have kept to walking 30 - 45 minutes a few times a week, plus some 15 minute walks during my breaks at work. Well, obviously my body is changing, even if my weight isn't. I should have been doing my measurements and I wouldn't have been so upset about the stalled weight (maybe I would have anyway, since my anxiety was so high).

Travis frequently grabs my backside and says, "yep, getting smaller and rounder!" So, that's one confirmation of the physical changes. Now, today, my underwear keep sliding down my butt under my scrub pants! I look like a fool because I keep having to pull them back up. I look even more like a fool because I have a big, stupid grin on my face.

This means a few things:

1) I need new, smaller undies

2) I need suspenders for my undies until the new ones can be purchased. (isn't that a sexy picture?!)

3) I will keep up my walking.

I currently weigh 219.3 pounds. At 5' 2", that puts my body mass index at 40.1. At 40, I will be considered just regular ol' "obese" instead of "morbidly obese".

Wouldn't you know it, my weight has stalled for the last three weeks. *laugh* I've been stuck just over in Morbidly Obese Land by 0.1. This girl can't catch a break, I swear!

My head is in a somewhat better place than it was when I posted the other day. I had the holiday weekend off of work and enjoyed our annual extended family picnic. Got some sun, played with babies, lost at cards, and chatted with great people. That picnic did wonderful things for my stress level.

I am still struggling with being tired and I still have some really negative thoughts, but it's better than it was and every day is a new day. Once in that mindset, it takes time to fully get back out.

I have a little more perspective, which I really wasn't able to get the other day. I knew a major part of my problem was that I was unable to back up out of the middle of the storm in my head that was overwhelming me and get a good view of what was really going on. Some days are just like that, though, thankfully, not many.

Now, I'm able to see the issues and break them down into more manageable parts, instead of just seeing this huge thing that I somehow needed to deal with.

A glimpse inside my head right now:

I have high anxiety. Yesterday, I had a panic attack. I haven't had one in several years. Thankfully, this one was pretty small--I had a short fit of sobbing, my heart kept racing, and, according to my SO, my eyes were big like a scared animal. To keep from freaking out any more, I took a Lorazepam, curled up in my recliner, cuddled with a cat, and listened to some relaxing classical music on my iPod. Eventually, I fell asleep and woke feeling much calmer.

Last month, I was considering going off my anxiety meds, because I felt so good. This month is so much different. The stress from deciding whether to take the new job is probably a good part of my issues. I was pretty worked up over that. Plus, as my weight decreases, my thyroid medication may need to be lowered. That pill revs up my system. If it's too high, it could be over-amping my anxiety as a side effect.

One moment, I'm fine and the next I'm super stressed out about...well, nothing... and everything. I feel like something bad is going to happen, but I have no idea what. If that lasts a while, then my brain finds other things to stress on.

Two days ago, I was fine with not losing weight. I've been at a stand-still for a couple weeks, but I'm still exercising and changing my shape. Today, I'm depressed about it.

I've lost 97 lbs. I've had a pretty good self image for a while, liking my emerging body. As my anxiety increases, that changes. Right now, I feel big and self conscious. I feel like I'll never get to my goal and this is always going to be a big struggle.

I'm usually very good about throwing off a mood or a funk. I really do push to keep a positive attitude. This one is just giving me a hard time. Being tired all the time doesn't help, but I'm working on that (reasonable amount of sleep, new job, etc.)

I see Dr. Hal, my Internal Med doc and general overseer of my post-op health, in less than a month. At that time, I'll discuss this with him if it is still an issue. Until then, I'm going to try to get out of my head more--keep busy, do things that keep me distracted.

As of yesterday afternoon, I have a new job. I accepted that new position I was offered.

I am taking the financial hit, because I decided that my burn out rate was just too high at my current job. Once my mental health is balanced again, if I need more money, I could get a part time job for a couple nights at the beginning of the week.

The new job will allow me to schedule my meds and vitamins, my meals, and my exercising without having to account for flopping from being awake at night to being awake during the day and then back. For my post-op health, this will be great. There's just too much that needs to be planned ahead now and it is too hard to do with a rotating schedule. Plus, I might even eventually have the time and energy to see friends again!

I still have another month at my current position. An email was sent out to the department welcoming me to my new position and stating my switch date was June 25. I'd bet the delay is so that I can help train my replacement.

Okay, I'm vain. I admit it: I want my hair to look good.

Naturally, I am dark blond. Thanks to my good friend Performing Preference, I am generally some shade of red. My skin is super pale, I'm very freckled, and I am green eyed. Why not go red? Most people are surprised to find out my natural color and I've found Reds have more fun anyway. That saying about blonds is bullshit.

Since my hair started falling out a month and a half ago, I have held off on dying my hair. Didn't want to add stress to those follicles. When the Great Fallout began, I'd already been in need of a dye job, but I'd been putting it off because I was lazy.

Thanks to my B Complex vitamin, the loss seems to be minimal lately. My roots, on the other hand, were excessive and the rest of my hair was dull and ugly. So, I dyed it today.

The box was "True Red" or something of the kind, but it came out a light red. I can deal with that. Usually, the first week after dying, my hair is "Ridiculous Red" until it fades to a more natural color. We'll just skip the overly red phase this time.

Whenever I color my hair, even pre-op, I had breakage and some loss. Putting chemicals on hair does that. So, I'm not surprised that there was some today too.

Should I have dyed my hair when it was still falling out from my surgery? Probably not, but I felt so drab. I haven't lost weight in a couple weeks and my hair looked like shit. I wanted to make something better. I could fix my hair.

If I lose more hair, well, I guess what's left will be a pretty color.

In a related, yet not, story: When my mom was pregnant with me, she told people (jokingly!) that if I came out with red hair, she wasn't going to take me home. Guess what color my hair was upon my birth? Yup, I was a red head. She took me home anyway. I was, and am, just that damn cute.

Look at me, getting all quiet for a while! Who knew I could be quiet, let alone for nearly two weeks.

Several things come to mind to talk about:


I've been eating beyond my 1,000 cal limit for a few days. I'm usually very careful about keeping under or close to 900 calories a day. Lately, I've just wanted to eat. Could be hormonal. Could be that I didn't have the proper foods in house, so I subconsciously decided to eat whatever I wanted. Could be these are all just excuses. ;)

My work schedule leaves me especially tired, both physically and emotionally. It's hard to get any sort of structure in one's life when working different days of the week all the time.

I decided that a daytime, Monday to Friday job would be beneficial in dealing with my need for a routine and helping me feel less tired all the time. Luckily, there was a posting for a different job in my same department (different facility), so I applied.

I interviewed, which I think went well, and received a voicemail on Thursday saying that HR wanted to talk to me about the position. Sounds promising, right? It was beyond business hours when the person left the voicemail and I didn't get it until even later, so I called back on Friday at 2 PM (the earliest I could drag my butt out of bed. I was tired, like I said). She didn't answer, so I left a voicemail and then I called back at 3 PM with the same result. The person in HR didn't get back to me by the end of the business day on Friday, leaving this drawn out until sometime Monday.

While the idea of a new job with structure sounds great, I'm so very torn over it. There are several pros and cons and I cannot figure out which way to go. One severe con is a loss of a few thousand dollars in income yearly if they do not offer me a raise with the new position. Is getting a structured schedule, which will help me with my post op life--pills, meals, exercise--worth the added financial stress? I just can't decide. I've been thinking about this since I interviewed a week ago and still haven't come to a decision.

I've found that a good B Complex vitamin seems to be helping with hair loss. When I take it faithfully, the loss seems less. If I skip for a week, I start to lose more. This is pretty awesome to know. "Knowledge is power," and all that.

My current pill is not a chewable, but it's a small tablet, no larger than a Tylenol pill. At first, I was concerned that it would cause an intestinal blockage or something, as the doctors drill that possibility into pre-op minds, but I'm sure I've accidentally swallowed a piece of food larger than that without issue (remember: chew, chew, chew your food!).

My weight has been stalled lately. I heard somewhere that it usually happens around 3 months that, due to stress on the body, the system hords weight for a bit. I'm at 5 months and it's just now happening. I'm a late bloomer, I guess.

Other than keeping me 3 lbs from hitting the 100 lb loss mark, I'm not too upset. I'm trying to keep my activity up on my days off and walk during my breaks when I do work. I've had a few people say that I look like I've lost more weight and that really makes me think that I must be gaining muscle and losing fat. Though my weight is stuck, I'm sure my measurements are changing. That is okay by me.

Plus, someone stopped today and said, "anybody told you that you're looking sexy lately?" LOL Who can argue with a question like that?!

I'm learning to like walking a lot. It's fun to see how fast I can go or how far I'll make it. Such a change from a year ago.

The problem now is that I get bored with my music pretty quickly and I use music as a way to distract myself so I keep going. Obviously, it's not good that my music is boring me if I want to keep moving.

While searching for more/new music, I had a thought: "what about audio books?" An ongoing story, if it's good and narrated well, would continually change, so I wouldn't get bored as easily. I could focus on the story, because, really, all I have to concentrate on while walking is putting one foot in front of the other.

I decided this idea had merit, so I joined Audible for only $8 a month for 3 months (jacks up to $15 a month after that). That gives me 1 credit (1 book) per month and a discount on others if I want to buy more. If it doesn't work out, I cancel my subscription. I figured I've spent far more than $8 on something that I hated before. This is a cheap enough risk.

After joining, I couldn't decide on a book. Too much pressure. What if I pick one that's poorly narrated and waste my one credit?! Also, I normally read some really trashy books (yep, like me some smut--especially vampire smut), but the idea of listening to some person read my smutty book to me made me blush. Eventually, I decided on the next book in a (less trashy) vampire series that I'd previously been really into--Night Huntress Series, book 4, by Jeaniene Frost.

Thanks to work and weather, I had to wait to go for a walk outside. Finally, I was able to get out yesterday and test out the audio book/walking idea. It went great!

I ended up walking about 1.3 miles. It took me 45 minutes because I wasn't in a hurry. The narrator took a little getting use to, but, eventually, I was pulled into the story and forgot that someone was reading it to me. In that 45 minutes, I made it through nearly two chapters. That means this book will last me SEVERAL walks, making it well worth my $8. :)

People think that WLS is easy because you can't eat as much. Ah, no, that isn't the case. I can over eat. Tonight, I did just that and I am suffering.

That's the difference between non-surgery and surgery. Before my surgery, if I ate more than what I should, I may have just felt guilty or I may not have if I was mindlessly eating. Post-op, over eating is physically painful and not for just a half hour or something. No, it can hurt for HOURS. I feel like there's a heavy, large rock in upper abdomen (my new, little stomach).

There are three options for what my body will do with the food if there's too much in my stomach: 1) I may suddenly vomit. 2) I may suddenly have a bout of diarrhea**. 3) It will ever so slowly process the food, only allowing a little out of my over-full stomach at a time, prolonging my suffering.

Seems like #3 is going to be tonight's option, though I do keep getting hit with a little nausea.

I know why over ate and knowing triggers is part of preventing future issues, right? My problem was that I'd been so busy tonight at work that, when I finally got to eat, I was still racing. I ate too fast and there wasn't enough time for my stomach to tell my brain I was full before I too much.

I'm usually pretty good about not over eating, but it happens. When it does, my only option is to wait. So, that's what I'm going to do: wait to feel better.


**It was not intentional to make a sentence about diarrhea number two in my list, but still funny in a "I'm mentally a 12 year old" kind of way.