NYE Dinner/My face is shrinking (with pics)

Happy 2012! Okay, so I'm a bit early. I'm getting old, you know--I am 32!--and will be getting my butt to bed right around midnight.

Tonight, I went out to dinner with my honey, my mom, her honey, and some of his siblings. I enjoyed it, but I was having food envy issues.

Everyone was enjoying the buffet, their prime rib dinners, and the complimentary fresh bread and butter while I had to search the menu for something that I may be able to eat. Turned into a $20 broiled walleye dinner with a plain baked potato.

I didn't know the difference between baked fish and broiled. Broiled apparently has some oil it's cooked in and then poured over the top. Can't have oils...most anyway. Made me nervous about eating any of the fish. I had what I think was about 2 oz without issue (thankfully!). I ate little of the baked potato without anything added. Would rather have had prime rib and bread slathered in whipped butter. [insert whiny whimper]

I may have been able to have some lean steak, but I didn't want to push it. I know my stomach (technically, I have two of them now, but I mean the one that actually gets food in it) can generally handle fish without issue. Steak, even if very tender, would be a new experience and one I wouldn't want to have in public -- see yesterday's entry involving my friend's driveway for a very good reason why I try new things at home only.

It was kind of amusing when the waitstaff came back after we ate and asked me if my meal was okay, because it looked like I barely touched it. Shoot, those fillets will last me for several meals. I'll send up throwing one away after getting at last three more meals out of the other.

ETA:
The other day, at my post-op group therapy meeting, the facilitator kept going on about how much thinner my face is. My honey also commented on it later that night. I didn't see it...until now.

Here's a pic showing how I looked with I started the pre-op program in April and how I looked tonight, when I was getting ready to go out for New Years. I can certainly see a difference in my chin and neck area. Also, my dimples are showing a little more.

Sorry that I just threw up in your driveway!

I went to visit a friend today that I hadn't seen in forever. We had a good time catching up. Less pleasant was my final memory for tonight: having to go back into the house when I was trying to leave to say, "I just thew up in your driveway. Do you have hi-dry you want me to put on it?" Good times.

It was my first experience with vomiting since my surgery. I can't lay the blame anywhere for why it happened--could have been too much/wrong foods when I had lunch at 3:30 PM, a blockage of some sort, or an issue with my protein shake I sipped on while the friend and her family had dinner at 6 pm. I'd like to not repeat it if possible though.

Everyday really does bring new experiences with this. Some good, some bad, and some that are kind of embarrassingly funny.

Walking at the store leads to big purchases

I spent over an hour at the grocery store, using the time as exercise (gotta get my ass in gear somehow). The drawback is that I spent $100 on food via impulse buys. I eat three 3 oz meals a day. There's no way I need $100 worth of food! Most of those groceries I'll have to force on Travis so that they don't go bad. I'm sure he'll be crushed. :P

Plus, since I have all that food, I want to EAT all that food. Case of too many choices.

NYE plans

Mom keeps having these small moments where she offers me food or a drink out of habit. I'm fine with that. It's not like she's waving cookies in front of me saying, "oooh, wouldn't this taste good...!"** I usually just say that I can't have it and she makes this funny oops/flinch face and we move on.

Tonight, my mom's boyfriend was on the phone with her and was double checking their plans for New Year's Eve. They're going to dinner, as is their usual tradition.

I guess he asked if my fiance and I wanted to go and she said that she'd check with me, not wanting to put me on the spot. After she hung up, she asked me and I said I'd talk to my Honey and get back to her tonight.

I then made a comment about how Travis can't complain, because I am a pretty cheap dinner date now. As soon as I said that, mom got this "OMG!" look on her face and said, "I didn't even think of that!" She was all embarassed for asking us out to dinner when I can't eat (much). I laughed.

I'm not sure if that means she wouldn't have asked me to go if she'd remembered or if it's just th idea she forgot again. I hope it's the second one, because I still like to go out and hang with people, even if I'm just going to have part of a plain baked potato. I'll make do and have a good time doing it.

**My Honey has done that and he has been told that each of those instances will keep him from having sex again for an additional day past my surgical recovery time. He's stopped quickly, ending up with three extra days on his celebacy sentance. lol

Two Week Anniversary

Today is my two week anniversary of the surgery. I'm doing well. Still only a little pain, which, when your organs are rearranged and/or cut in half, I figure that's appropriate for a while.

It doesn't see like two weeks, that's for sure. Been too busy swinging like a pendulum between, "oooh, I get to eat again!" and "please, dear God, don't make it time to eat again!" Learning to
prepare and eat foods that my new system requires and will accept seems to have been a full time job.

Today is Day 10 since my parole from the hospital. I still have adhesive all over my abdomen, though the pads that were given to me at my last appointment, which smell like gasoline and feel like baby oil, have helped. Some stuff is too close to Steri strips and incision sites for me to be
comfortable using the pads on them.

Also ten days later, I'm still really bruised on my stomach from all the Heparin shots. It's not even close to as bad as it was, but it's still bad. Does that make sense? The diameter of the bruising, which was half my stomach is lessening, but I still have a large purple area. Ten days and I still have purple bruising rising to the surface. Crazy.

Okay, I have to go. My cat is stalking my breakfast (an egg) and I need to focus to be able to fend off the poofy, gray ninja. She's not above slapping a dirty paw on the food to claim it as her own. If she does that, the rule is that she wins, because I am NOT eating it then.

Another day, another yucky feeling

Going to bed now, without getting two-thirds of my daily protein requirements in, because I feel yucky.

I tried eating less food at my dinner meal, without improvement. I could stay up and try to get in another protein shake, making me 17 grams short instead of 20 grams, but trying to get the thicker liquid into already unhappy stomach just seems foolish.

I'm actually just going to take a nap, not pass out for the night. My plan is to wake up and go grocery shopping, getting plenty of protein-rich foods. I need to find some way to get my protein in and my current food supply, which certainly needs replenishing, is sorely lacking.

Sleeping a couple or a few hours may help me move toward my old sleep schedule, which I really need to get back on. I start work again in less than a week.

I was suppose to do three 12-hour shifts right off the bat when I came back to work, but my awesome boss recognized that would be pretty hard on me. She asked me if it was okay if she tried to get the person who was working my shifts while I was on FMLA to work one of those 12 hour shifts next week. I agreed and so did my replacement. I am very happy to say that he took my Thursday shift.

Now, I'm just stuck with Tuesday and Wednesday, giving me an extra day to recoup after my first week back. Uses up more of my PTO, but I'm okay with that.

Fighting my cat for food

Ever tried defending your food from a food-obsessed feline? I experience this evertime I make a protein drink or when I have a meal.

We don't have a kitchen table--we have kitchen computer desks, because this apartment is so small. Laelah is allowed on the desk, but she's to stay away when we eat, which, of course, she doesn't do.

It's cute for a minute or so, when she's trying to pretend that she's there for affection and not the contents of my spoon. She rubs on my hand and purrs really loud. She also tries this slow move where she tries to cross in front of my laptop to my bowl. The goal, I think, is to move so slow that I don't see it. She's a big, fluffy, gray Maine Coon. She has no hope in a career as a ninja.

She also has huge anime eyes that she bats around when there's something she wants. You seen Puss in Boots from Shrek 2, where he makes all the people around him melt with "awwwwe"? Laelah's the live version. It makes it so hard to say no or be mad.

She get's treats quite often (too often, thanks to Travis) that she adores. She gets them so often that she even knows the difference in sounds between small plates that I use for dinner and the tea plates that Travis puts her treats on. She gets gooshy foods that make her happy and I get vitamins that make me feel yacky. How is this fair?

Not feeling well and running out of food

I still don't feel good, but I need to eat. This girl needs to have enough protein grams, so she can keep her hair as much as possible!

My whiney issue is exacerbated by the fact that I'm running out of food that I can actually consume. I have no freaking clue how I am running low, considering I eat so very little at a time.

Post-op group meeting

Today, I feel a little icky. Just off but not horrible, which could be caused by anything from overeating last night, to sugar crashing, to my body still adjusting to this new way of eating.

Today's my first post-op meeting. Should be interesting. There were several of us from my pre-op meetings having their surgeries within the last month.

Truthfully, since we meet with the pre-op group for 15 minutes to allow them to ask questions, I'd rather not be the newest off the operating table. Hate being put on the spot and they tend to go after the newest with most of the questions.

ETA: Group was good. No too many questions from the pre-op group. They seemed shy. Post-op was just three of us, but that gave more time to talk.

Sugar Crash

Never had a blood sugar crash before. Put me down as never wanting to be a diabetic, not that there are many on the "Pick me!" waiting list for that. I am shaky, hot, and tired. Now, I know what a menopausal, narcoleptic tea-cup Chihuahua feels like.

I slept too long with no fuel in my system. I'm already taking in very few calories because of the surgery and then I slept longer than I intended, so my body was just out of what it needed. I knew what it was because my mom's type 2 and crashes occassionally. What I felt and what she described were the same.

Post Op Appt/Weigh In

Had my first post-op appt with Dr. PeopleSkills.

Had my staples out, which was less painful and scary than I had imagined (aren't most things?!). Still hurt though.

Also, I was weighed. The last time I was weighed was around Dec 10th, when I had my last pre-op appointment. Since then, I've lost 19 lbs (41 lbs since the beginning of April). Yay!

In celebration, since I can't wear anything that doesn't have a stretchy waist, I bought new (and on clearance) jogging pants. Very exciting.

Christmas

Christmas was fun. I enjoyed spending time with my family and my future inlaws.

It was a bit of a struggle when others could eat the Christmas feast (cookies and scalloped potatoes, my favorites!) though and I was forced to eat 2 oz of pureed soups. I admit, I did end up licking a cookie that had Splenda sprinkled on it, but it was for the greater good--it staved off a psychotic break brought on by cravings and jealousy.

Staples and a stitch

I have ten staples and one stitch (one stitch. hardcore, right?) that I would pay dearly for someone to remove ASAP. Anyone? Just kidding...mostly. I get them removed on Monday, but that seem so far away. Freaking skin itches around them. Doing my best not to scratch.

Fall

My pants leg got caught when I put down the foot rest on my recliner, making me fall on my hands and knees. Ugh.

Didn't hurt anything on my stomach externally. Internally, I'm waiting to see if I get nauseated or have swelling, which would be I tore something on the surgery site and am bleeding internally. If not, and the surgeon's nurse suspects I won't because my fall was already 15 minutes ago and symptoms should have already begun to show, I didn't tear anything. <-- Here's to hoping!

However, my damn knee hurts. (ETA: and still hurts, though thankfully not as bad, as of 12/28/11)

Cabin Fever

My cabin fever is bad enough that I am willing to go Christmas shopping with my mom tonight.

I don't like stores of people when I feel good. Feeling bad is going to make me try to run people over--"an eye for an eye" thing after having my heels slammed into with a cart, which happens nearly every stinking time I go shopping. It's easier to be mean back to people when I'm sick or grumpy.

Mom's probably only taking me for my disabled parking. ;)

ETA: It actually wasn't bad. I didn't want to bludgeon anyone with the nearest piece of cheap plastic crap I could reach. Still too many people, but no one obnoxious.

Pureed foods blow

I had to break out my Chocolate protein shake for something that tasted normal.

Pureed food sucks.

If I weren't on narcotics and alone, I may be tempted to go to McDs, get a hamburger, and lick the burger, just to taste something familiar (and good) instead of various mushed blah. <--I wouldn't actually do it, with or without narcotics in my system, but desperation for normal makes you think funny things.

Home is scary

I have to say that it's a little scary to be home.

At the hospital, I knew that, if a problem arose, the staff would be on it right away. Now, I'm the one to have to decide if a symptom needs to be run by someone and to make that phone call.

I'm on a major pain killer. Should I really be in charge of anything? lol

Plus, I'm on less of them (bye, bye Toradal. I'll miss you, my friend.) so things suddenly feel worse, making me unnecessarily worried.

Drain removal and going home

You know that scene in Alien, where the little alien shoots from the guys stomach? Yeah, I now know what a less violent version of that feels like! *eek!*

There was a drain tube in the middle of my abdomen, somewhere around my stomach. The doctor slowly pulled that out. I could feel it move, touching organs that should never feel external touch, as it made its way to the surface and out of my body. *shudder*

I've now had my stomach tickled from the inside. I don't recommend it. Plus, it hurts like a bitch when it finally makes it out of the little incision on the skin.

The drain removal was a pre-parole activity. I'm at home :D

Fooooooood, etc.

I get to eat!!!!!!

ETA: I don't remember if I was allowed 30 cc an hour or 60 cc. Either way, it was yummy, because I'd been deprived. Cream of chicken soup will probably never be yummy in any other situation. At this point, I was also able to drink as much as I wanted.

I'm doing laps in the hallway for entertainment. Hospitals are boring, even with free movies (seriously, who can watch Inception on narcotics?!)

I have an ache in my abdomen, a little pain at the incision sites, and sore muscles from being stuck in a bed for too long. Otherwise, I'm good. Nothing that I can really complain about.

Morphine was done yesterday, mostly at my request. I'd be a horrible opium addict. Shit gives me a headache.

Hospital Rambles

Few things...
1) Yay, Travis is coming to visit me! I haven't seen him since around 8 PM on Thursday, at which time I was loopy and all post-opish. I'm a big baby when I'm hurt and I want Travis cuddles.

Last night I told him to stay home because the three visitors I had exhausted me and it would have been a waste of a drive for him to come watch me sleep. Tonight, we're going to watch a movie and I'm going to get me some cuddles.

(ETA: yeah, I zonked out within a half hour of him showing up. Drugs are good, but they make me sleepy)

2) Heprin shots hurt like a mother.

3) Heprin allows for some spectacular bruises. My abdomen is covered in them...and adhesive. I'm all bruisy and sticky.

4) I'm suppose to go home tomorrow morning. I will be so happy to see Travis and be at home, but mostly I will be happy that there will be no one trying to stab me with a needle!

Day 1, Post-op

I am doing well. :) Surgery was yesterday at 1 PM, was out of recovery and into my room at 7 PM, and I was up and walking around a bit by 10 AM today. I have some pain, but not a lot. Mostly, I am just tired.

Made it through

I've been out of surgery/recovery for about 12 hours. Seems to be going well.

I'm in some pain, but not a major amount. The pain I can deal with. What I want more than anything is to sleep, but he evil nurse and CNA keep waking me up for vitals, shots, etc.

I'm rather proud that the above is coherent, since I'm nicely medded up.

Stomach surgery today and I'm hungry!

Ever notice that, when you're really hungry, time slows down until all you can focus on is the hunger? That's where I'm at. I haven't eaten since before I fell asleep last night around 8 PM. I don't even check in at the hospital until 10:30. I'm going to go all cannibal on someone before then!

Travis will go crazy without me.

I'll be in the hospital for three days. The cats are going to drive Travis cah-razy! Mwahahahahaha! He can barely handle one night when he has the night off and I'm at work because Emilee is soooooo verrrrrrry neeeeeeedy. He'll be certifiable by the time I get home. This amuses me. I'm mean. :D

Three days and counting

At about this time in three days, I should be heading to Recovery. Eeeek!

Last pre-op appt with surgeon

Had my final pre-op appointment with Dr. H. My surgeon has no people skills. He's great at what he does, but if he called me "big" one more time I was going to sock him in the nose.

Date aquired!

Received my surgery date! It's Dec 15th. That's less than ten days away. Eeek!

I'm both excited and scared. Mostly excited.

Disappointing Pre-Op Appt

Yesterday kinda sucked.

I had what I was told would be my last appointment with the surgeon before my GBP surgery. Turned out that it wasn't.

Woke up at 7 AM (normally, an hour BEFORE my bedtime!) for my 9 AM appt. Met my mom at the clinic and headed up to the office.

The doctor doesn't have people skills. I'd forgotten that since I saw him last in April. It would have gone better had I remembered and been prepared.

He asked me when I'd had caffeine last. I was honest and said I'd had some sips of mom's the other day, but I'm basically off it completely. He began to scold me about how one sip was too much and that's how people fail their weight loss surgery.

As I said, I wasn't prepared for his scolding and took it a little hard. Also, because I am awesome, I'd missed a few of my anti-anxiety pills and I was tired, so I was far more easily upset.
Finally, all of my other appointments have had nothing but praise from the rest of the pre-op team, so the negative reaction was unexpected.

The doc said he would have to review what the rest of the team reported, but he didn't think there would be any reason to deny me the surgery. Once he reviewed everything, he would submit to
my insurance that he feels I qualify. Once he hears back from them that they also approve, I'll get a call and schedule a surgery date.

As far as I understood, by the time of yesterday's appointment, all of the reviewing and approving should have been done and I was going to schedule my surgery at the appointment. I was, I think, understandably upset. All the doc did was yell at me and poke at my stomach, so
it felt like a waste of time being there.

Now, I sit and wait for a call or letter saying I was approved, which will probably take another week. Then, I schedule the surgery and, THEN, I see the surgeon once again in his office a
few days before going under the knife.

I'm just so tired of this dragging on. I want to move forward, get past the surgery, and get on with my life. Meh.

SV and an NSV

Scale Victory:

As of the beginning of tonight's work shift, I've lost 26.4 lbs.

I never wrote it down, but my personal mini goal was always to hit a loss of 25 lbs. I'd be at 23 or 24, but couldn't quite hit my goal. Tonight, I hit it was 1.4 lbs to spare. :)

Non-Scale Victory:

Besides hitting the 25 pound mark, I finished all of my group therapy appointments for my GB pre-op program. Can't even express how happy I am about that.

Those appointments should have taken 12 weeks. Honestly, I think it took me more like 18-20 to finish because I missed so many, due to either being so tired from working a 12 hour shift or
because I worked the night of the meeting. I thought they'd never end!

The meetings themselves were good. Getting to know other people going through what I am going through was beneficial. The people, especially the ones near the end, were fantastic to
talk to. We could laugh and joke and then also get serious when we needed to. Between the people and the material covered, I learned a lot. It was just the time of day that sucked and made it so hard for me to get there.

Now, I can sleep until a decent time on Wednesdays-- 5 PM, preferably. This makes me very happy. 3rd shift people need their sleep too!

Time to own up...

I'm not doing so good with keeping myself on track with my surgery pre-op program lately.

1) I've been off my thyroid med for two weeks. Until it is stable, I can't have the surgery. It'll take me a few months to get my levels stable again.

2) I had a massive migraine for three days this week, beginning Monday. I didn't even look at my appointment calendar, because I couldn't deal with trying to call people anyway. I wasn't
sure I had any appointments to begin with. Turns out, I had three. Now, I have to call and explain the situation and, hopefully, this won't derail me too much--in the past, it has taken me a month to get in with the Nutritionist.

3) My attendance at my Learn meetings has been sporadic. I'm required to attend 12 of them. I've made it to 2. Some missed meetings were due to work--legitimate reason. Others, it's because they're at a time that's horrible for me and I oversleep. Not legitimate.

These issues aren't stopping me from having the surgery. They're just creating frustrating delays. The thyroid issue will put me out into November for the surgery, and that's if the level is perfect after just a few months. Sometimes it takes longer after a slip up. The appointments can be rescheduled and I have plans to call on Monday. The learn meetings, well, by the end of August I should have 7 done. I can try to schedule individual Learns, but, otherwise I should be done Oct 19th.

I guess I'm just mad at myself because these delays were preventable. I don't want my surgery so close to the holidays, but I do want it done before 2012 (already met my insurance deductible
for 2011).

What's done is done. All I can do is continue moving forward from here, right? I think part of it was that I was getting burned out from all of the stuff I needed to do for this. Well, I've had a break, so it's time to recommit and that's exactly what I plan to do. :)

Am I Winning or Just Sick?

It's really hard for me to believe my ongoing success at losing weight and becoming healthier. So much so that, when I think about the fact that I've actually lost 17 pounds, I wonder if something isn't medically wrong with me causing it. <--how sad is that?!

I keep thinking about my mom and how she lost a bunch of weight before she was diagnosed as diabetic. I just had vials upon vials of blood drawn for the plethora of tests the Internist ran.
All the tests came up perfect except my white blood cell count, which was a bit high. The doc said that I seem to run high, so he wasn't concerned about that. He says I'm healthy.

That funky WBC leaves me a place to worry though, and take away from my victory of losing more weight than I've ever intentionally lost before.

I believe Dr. H that I'm healthy...99% of the time. It's that 1% that I'm making a choice to work on. My new mantras will be:

I am in charge of my weight loss or
gain.

I am making healthier food
selections.

I am increasing my activity level.

I am succeeding.

A Small Rant

I'm not losing weight lately. In fact, I've gained a pound. This is starting to irk me.

The problem is that, after I lost a few pounds, I started to obsess about food, thinking about it all the time.

Same thing happened around 2002, when I dropped 30 pounds without really trying. As soon as I realized that I had lost weight, then I started worrying about keeping it off and the foods I
should and shouldn't eat. If I'm thinking about it, then I want to eat it.

I'm not so sure how to get over this.

If I have WLS, I have to pay close attention to my food--far closer than I am now. Will that just make me gain more, making the WLS a huge waste of money and a totally unnecessary risk?

I do know that part of my current problem is that I'm off my anxiety/depression meds. I become more obsessive about things without the meds and I also get down on myself, which leads to
mood eating.

Bah! I wish weight loss wasn't such a psychological pain in my ass.

Holding Strong

I joined MFP on April 1st (the fool part was not doing it sooner) and weight prior to joining was 317 lbs. By April 16, I'd lost 5 lbs. At my weigh-in on May 2nd, I'd gained back 0.6 lbs, putting
at 312.6. I weighed myself tonight again and I'm still at 312.6.

I could be upset that, in two weeks, I haven't lost any weight, but I'm making a choice not to be. For someone of my pumpkin-like stature, holding steady/not gaining is a victory in itself. Don't
misunderstand me--I'm not thrilled, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Instead of being upset, I made better choices tonight about my food and beverages.

My honey, who is only slightly overweight, was looking at a BMI chart and said "man, if I ever hit 250 pounds, that's it. There will be some major changes There's no way I'll allow myself to go any higher than that." I did my best not to be hurt by that, since I'm 62 pounds over his limit.

He didn't realize that, to someone who is emotionally sensitive anyway and off her anxiety/depression medication, that what he said could be taken as "you were lazy and allowed this to happen. Your weight is beyond unacceptable." That's not what he said or
what he meant, but that's how my wacky brain wanted to take it. Thank goodness, on this occasion, logic won out over emotional irrationality.

I'm holding strong on my weight and I'm emotionally stronger than I thought I'd be in the situation with my honey. I'd say that's not a bad place to be for now.

1st Nutritionist Visit

Today was my first visit with the nutritionist. One would think that would be an easy visit, but, damn, it wasn't. As someone who has been overweight my whole life, my food intake is a seriously sensitive subject. I admit I got a little emotional at one point. Just once thought, then I bucked up and we got through it. :)

She asked me to walk her through my meals on an average day. Pfft. Like I freakin' know. If there was any sort of "average", I'd probably be able to maintain my weight and not gain so much, but it fluxuates, just like the pounds on my thighs. Automatically, I started to give her my food intake from the last day I worked, which I know is much lower than days I have off (12 hour shifts in the E.R. do not leave much time for eating).

She was pretty happy to hear I was already keeping a food journal. She was planning on having me keep one, but she said to just continue with MFP and print them off for the next time I see her. That'll give me two to three weeks of days to bring in.

Next up, the psychologist! I'm seeing a psychologist after being off my crazy meds for several weeks. That ought to be fun (not even a little).

The psychologist will have me walk through my reasons for wanting the WL surgery, my known eating triggers, mental health history, and then set me up with the group therapy program that I have to complete. That whole visit will be one big emotional suck-fest, I figure, but, it has to be done and I will make it through.

First Appt with Surgeon

Yesterday was my first consult with the bariatric surgeon. I'm still reeling a bit.

I am a candidate for the surgery. In fact, it could be done as soon as four months from now, which freaks me out a bit since I didn't expect anything until early or mid-2012. If I find that I feel things are moving too fast for me to be comfortable, I will drag my feet a bit. There's no way I'm going to go through this feeling like it's being rushed.

The appointment left me emotionally raw. Having my weight issue discussed so clinically is rough. Clinical discussions tend to not have the harsh edges buffered. The doc and his staff were not mean or anything. In fact, they were very nice, but it's still hard to hear some
things, even if I already know them.

In the next month or so, I have many appointments. Off the top of my head...there's a nutritionist, physiologist, psychologist, internal medicine. Plus, I have to go to 12 weeks of group
therapy sessions for pre-op patients.

Because I'm having this procedure done through my employer (I work for a major health care organization) and the company self-insures the employees, there are a lot of hoops that I don't have to jump through to get my health insurance to pay. No physician supervised diet and no
1 year waiting period, to name a couple.

My medical problems are nearly all managed without medication at the moment. So, the only medical condition that could hold things up if it gets out of control is my thyroid. I'm in the midst of adjusting my dose, which can take several months. Once I find a dose and have multiple months of blood work showing correct and stable TSH levels, I'll be good on that front.

I left the appointment with the surgeon feeling like it was a success. However, as the day went on, I realized how worn out it made me feel. They gave me this large binder of info to read through and to add papers to from all my appointments. When I got home, I just set it
aside. I haven't made myself look at it yet. I think I need a couple days to emotionally recuperate before I dive into the info.

Five pounds down!

I'm so excited--I've lost five pounds!

In the grand scheme of what I need to lose, it's not much. It's only about 3% of what I need to lose to even be 150 pounds (at 5'1", that's still overweight). However, it's awesome to see that I CAN lose weight. For so long, it's felt like that wasn't even a possibility.

As I state in my blog title, this is a journey. Journeys don't always go the same speed. Sometimes you fall behind or even get lost. Right now, my path is clear and seems to be going along at a good clip. When things get tough, I can look back at this and remind myself that the path is still there--it may be covered in the wrappers of the candy bars I consoled myself with when I was lost and felt like I should give up--I just need to work hard to see it and keep moving forward.
I can't say enough about how helpful MFP (MyFitnessPal.com) has been.

I am a person that needs notes and reminders to keep my life in order. If it's not written down, it isn't going to happen. Being able to plug in my food/exercise and have it right there for me to see has made this so much easier.

I started using the diary has a way to get a baseline of what I normally eat. I didn't intend to modify my eating habits yet, but I have, somewhat. It's too easy to lie to one's self when things aren't on paper (or, in this case, on webpage) and having my food intake shown in black and white has made a world of difference for me. Hell, I've barely exercised, but I'm still losing weight.

I make choices about quality and quantity that I wouldn't have even thought about a few weeks ago, because I felt overwhelmed by trying to figure things out manually. The MFP diaries made
things much simpler and allowed me to take my first steps toward being at a healthier weight. Being accountable with the right tools gives me control where I use to feel I had none. I'm so thankful that I friend mentioned this website. Truly.

Absolute Failure or Rousing Success for Getting My Butt Moving?

Wow, I'm not sure if the experience I just had with an exercise video severely depresses me or is spurring me on. A little of both, I think.

Yesterday, I received my copy of The Biggest Loser Power Walk from Amazon. Once my honey
went to sleep this morning, I decided to test it out. Holy shit, I lasted only a half mile.

Saying I lasted a half mile sounds way better than saying that I quit 7 minutes into
the video. Seven-frackin'-minutes!!

I'm reminding myself that I am not a fit person by any means and I also have multiple medical problems that make exercising more difficult. I'm also trying not to let those reminders turn into excuses for not getting my butt up and exercising.

I am a big time asthmatic, yes. I do have knee problems, yes. I do have a serious back problem, yes. Those issues will be greatly helped if I keep trying to exercise--yes, very much!

As I write this, I've come up with a strategy. I have to accept that I currently have limitations-- I can't seem to handle more than a half mile (fine, 7 minutes :P) at a time-- but I can try to work with them and try to change them. So, I will do seven minutes at least once a day. If my medical problems aren't giving me too much trouble, I will go for a second round of at least a half mile later on that day.

Whether I call the exercise "brisk walk" or "low impact aerobics", MFP shows I burned 73 calories in those few minutes. To me, it is sad that was all I could manage. However, I'm going to think positively about this and remember it is 73 calories that I didn't even try to burn yesterday.

Now, excuse me, I need my inhaler... *lung squeak*

So, the Scale isn't **Completly** Evil

For years, I've avoided the scale. It has been my enemy. The numbers kept creeping up until I decided that I didn't want to see it anymore. Today, however, was different, because it showed that I lost two pounds!

No, 2 lbs isn't much, but it's a start, right? :)

I've been using a website called My Fitness Pal, which has a food and exercise diary, which can fill in the calories (+/-, based on intake and activity). I've been trying to be pretty honest and keep on top of it. Since I've lost a couple pounds since I last saw my doc, I guess it's working.

Eventually, I'll have to start getting more exercise. I need to start getting ANY exercise. To say I'm sedentary would be an understatement, I admit. I'm taking one thing at a time though. First, get a handle on my food intake, then, on to adding exercise. If I change too much at once, I'm afraid I'll feel overwhelmed and quit.

Joined MFP

As I've said before, I'm rather craptastic about knowing portion size and such. In an effort to work on fixing that, I joined My Fitness Pal.

It's an interesting little website that calculates caloric intake someone needs to maintain or lose weight, based on current height and weight. Along with the site's food diary, which

The Secret Dreams of a Chunky Chick

I have secret dreams about the results of losing a bunch of pounds--things that I've never told to anyone. They're things that I think most "normal" size women can do or experience.

 

I'm trying to be more open and stop bottling thoughts and feelings up about my weight, so, here's my list for the whole world to read:

 

• Wear one of my boyfriend's t-shirts. This may be a chick-flick induced wish, but it's something I've never even had the option of doing. I have always outweighed him.
• Fit comfortably in an airplane seat. I have completely avoided flying since my trip to Vegas 10 years ago. The seats were snug then and I'm bigger now. I have this fear that I'll get on the plane and the staff will make a big, public spectacle about saying that I need to buy a second seat.
• Not have to check the weight-limit on items I'm considering purchasing. I've had to do this for folding chairs (wrecked a few, much to my humiliation), exercise equipment, a hammock I've been eyeing for years, etc.

 

I'm sure that there is more, but this is all I can come up with right now.

 

What I can say is that, while my weight has had a huge impact on my life, it hasn't ruined my life. I have great friends, family, a wonderful fiance, and a job and a home to go to each day. I try to maintain a positive attitude, even when life makes it tough, and remember that it could always be worse. Life, no matter it's limitations, is a gift.

One step closer

Well, I officially have an appointment to meet the surgeon and see what I need to do to move forward.

I spoke with the doctor's assistant, "D". He told me that he received my referral from my PCP, but he would have to wait until he verified approval from my health insurance company before he scheduled me to see the surgeon, because it would be a waste of my time and money if the insurance company had no intention of paying. He said he would know in 7 to 10 days.

I work for the same healthcare organization that I am seeking this procedure through. Since they're self-insured, when I mentioned my insurance company name, he said "oh, well, then we can go ahead and set up that appointment right away!" 

The first opening wasn't until April 22. I'm glad I didn't have to wait to schedule or I'd probably be waiting until May to get in.

So, now I wait some more, but I still see this as progress. Things are happening, even if it is 3 weeks(!) away. D is sending me a packet in the mail. At least I'll have some info before my appointment.

The appointment will include a 45 minute video about bariatric surgery (both the program at the hospital and the specifics of the procedure itself) and then a 45 minute consult with the surgeon.

I have to say, my first experience talking to someone in that department was really good. D made me feel comfortable when discussing something that can be a very sensitive subject for me. Hopefully, it's a fair representation of things to come. :)

Today's the first day of the rest of my life, right?

I'm starting a journey here. I'm scared, because it isn't a journey with any end--it's life long. I'm taking a path that will, with hard work and some help along the way, take me from fat to fabulous.

I've been overweight for most of my life. According to my mom, it started around early grade school. It's been a constant struggle for me.

Weights that come to mind:
5th-6th grade -- 170 lbs
12th grade -- 190 lbs
26 years old -- 265 lbs
31 years old (today) -- 317 lbs

Until recently, I was sure this weight would stay with me for the rest of my life, along with the many health issues it has and would bring.

In the past, I have tried dieting. Believe me, I didn't get to this weight because I ignored the problem.

I remember a physician monitored diet around 6th grade where I was to take in 1200 calories a day. The coaching/help received from the doc was in the form of a two page document that explained what I should eat for each meal. That's it. No help with understanding portions. No explanations of what healthy foods could be substituted for less healthy ones. Really, it was all no help.

The next year, I remember my mom trying to bribe me to lose weight. "Robyn, if you lose 20 pounds, I will buy you that jacket you want". Again, there was no teaching me how to realistically modify my eating habits, just a carrot (pun!) dangled up too high to get.

Please, don't get me wrong, my mom was doing the best she could. She just didn't have the tools to help me. No one had ever shown her what was a proper portion size or anything of that nature. She didn't need it because she'd always been a person who is always moving, burning calories. Plus, as a single mother, she was working long hours to pay bills. She couldn't be everywhere at once.

In high school, I thought I was so freakin' fat. Now, I'd give anything to weigh 180/190 pounds.

There are several reasons I need and want to finally lose weight.

1. I have a birth defect--a malformed vertebrae (L5) that causes my spine to have a 33 degree curve. It can be very painful, as I can hurt the muscles of my lower back very easily, since they're attached differently than they are designed. One day, I'll have to have surgery to fuse my tailbone to my L5 to my L4. Excess weight, especially as much as I am carrying now, would make the success of that surgery very questionable and the recovery time will be harder and longer.
2. I have asthma that is exacerbated by the extra pounds.
3. My knees have started to hurt a lot within the last few months
4. I want to have a baby. At my current weight, I am less fertile, I would have a high risk pregnancy (gestational diabetes, high blood pressure, etc.), and my back would be a huge problem with adding pregnancy pounds to it's burden. If I had a child right now, I wouldn't have the energy to be a proper parent.
5. My mom is diabetic, creating a greater risk for me of becoming diabetic myself.

After years of trying to lose weight, I feel defeated whenever I think about trying again. Thirty years of failures does not inspire my confidence.

About two years ago, I began to seriously consider bariatric surgery. My mom was very supportive, but my fiance wasn't. Without his support, there would be very little chance of success. So, I gave up that idea.

Things have changed though. My fiance (a.k.a. my "undocumented husband" or "UH") came home a few weeks ago and asked me if I'd ever considered gastric bypass (he forgets previous conversations a lot. Love him, not his memory ;) ) I wondered where that question had come from and he said that one of his coworkers had the surgery and told him all about his experience. I reminded my UH that we had talked about this before and his unwillingness to support me had put an end to my considering the procedure.

We had a long talk, during which I explained why I felt it was something I could benefit from and that I didn't see the surgery as a cure, but more of a helping hand. By the end of the convo, my UH said that he would completely support me now that he'd been able to talk to someone who had experienced it first hand.

I mulled this conversation over in my head for a couple weeks and, finally, today, I had an appointment with my primary care provider (a.k.a. my doctor/ my "PCP") to talk about it and to get a referral to begin the process of finding out if I am a candidate.

PCP she believes I should qualify as a candidate. She said that now is a good time, because I am still pretty healthy for a person with my body mass index. She said that, by the time I am 35 in four short years, I won't be so health -- I'll very likely, at minimum, be a diabetic. I was given a referral to see a bariatric surgeon.

This does not mean the surgery is for sure and, even if I do have it, it may be a year before I get there. For insurance and protocol to make sure I'm truly a candidate -- both physically and psychologically -- there are several hoops for me to jump through.

Per PCP, who I just found out had the surgery herself, I will likely have to do another physician managed diet to satisfy the insurance company. Also, each candidate needs to attend several individual and group therapy sessions for pre-op patients to sort out the person's relationship with food (emotional eaters, etc.), how to break any unhealthy food associations, and whether a person can mentally handle the life long change they're considering. No doubt, there's even more that I'm forgetting.

No word yet on how soon I can get into see the surgeon and begin all of this. The office is going to call me in the next couple days.

In my first paragraph, I said that I was scared about this. My fear is not enough to stop me from considering this procedure, but I think it is healthy to recognise what I'm worried about.

1. I know people who have had the surgery and had great results, but I also know people who had complications, someone that gained the weight back, and a person who died from complications years later. There are risks with any surgery, but DAMN, that last one scares me quite a lot.
2. I have a fear that I won't be able to handle to food restrictions after surgery. I really love ice cream. Really. <-- with this one, I think about it, but I know that I will follow through the best of my ability if I go so far as to have my stomach cut up and rerouted to lose weights.
3. Everything I read says that this surgery is safe for the long term, but I still worry that I'm going to have trouble when I'm in my twilight years because of this. I've yet to hear about an elderly person who had gastric bypass.
4. The idea of having my stomach Frankensteined freaks me out.

I do believe that the risks and my fears are outweighed (ha!) by the benefits. I don't think that the surgery is a cure-all. It's just a help that will make initial weight loss easier, by making my stomach very small, but the new stomach does stretch. Long term, I will have to continue to exercise and watch my diet.

With the goal of just being healthier, not necessarily "skinny", I'm committed and excited for what may come.