I currently weigh 219.3 pounds. At 5' 2", that puts my body mass index at 40.1. At 40, I will be considered just regular ol' "obese" instead of "morbidly obese".

Wouldn't you know it, my weight has stalled for the last three weeks. *laugh* I've been stuck just over in Morbidly Obese Land by 0.1. This girl can't catch a break, I swear!

My head is in a somewhat better place than it was when I posted the other day. I had the holiday weekend off of work and enjoyed our annual extended family picnic. Got some sun, played with babies, lost at cards, and chatted with great people. That picnic did wonderful things for my stress level.

I am still struggling with being tired and I still have some really negative thoughts, but it's better than it was and every day is a new day. Once in that mindset, it takes time to fully get back out.

I have a little more perspective, which I really wasn't able to get the other day. I knew a major part of my problem was that I was unable to back up out of the middle of the storm in my head that was overwhelming me and get a good view of what was really going on. Some days are just like that, though, thankfully, not many.

Now, I'm able to see the issues and break them down into more manageable parts, instead of just seeing this huge thing that I somehow needed to deal with.

A glimpse inside my head right now:

I have high anxiety. Yesterday, I had a panic attack. I haven't had one in several years. Thankfully, this one was pretty small--I had a short fit of sobbing, my heart kept racing, and, according to my SO, my eyes were big like a scared animal. To keep from freaking out any more, I took a Lorazepam, curled up in my recliner, cuddled with a cat, and listened to some relaxing classical music on my iPod. Eventually, I fell asleep and woke feeling much calmer.

Last month, I was considering going off my anxiety meds, because I felt so good. This month is so much different. The stress from deciding whether to take the new job is probably a good part of my issues. I was pretty worked up over that. Plus, as my weight decreases, my thyroid medication may need to be lowered. That pill revs up my system. If it's too high, it could be over-amping my anxiety as a side effect.

One moment, I'm fine and the next I'm super stressed out about...well, nothing... and everything. I feel like something bad is going to happen, but I have no idea what. If that lasts a while, then my brain finds other things to stress on.

Two days ago, I was fine with not losing weight. I've been at a stand-still for a couple weeks, but I'm still exercising and changing my shape. Today, I'm depressed about it.

I've lost 97 lbs. I've had a pretty good self image for a while, liking my emerging body. As my anxiety increases, that changes. Right now, I feel big and self conscious. I feel like I'll never get to my goal and this is always going to be a big struggle.

I'm usually very good about throwing off a mood or a funk. I really do push to keep a positive attitude. This one is just giving me a hard time. Being tired all the time doesn't help, but I'm working on that (reasonable amount of sleep, new job, etc.)

I see Dr. Hal, my Internal Med doc and general overseer of my post-op health, in less than a month. At that time, I'll discuss this with him if it is still an issue. Until then, I'm going to try to get out of my head more--keep busy, do things that keep me distracted.

As of yesterday afternoon, I have a new job. I accepted that new position I was offered.

I am taking the financial hit, because I decided that my burn out rate was just too high at my current job. Once my mental health is balanced again, if I need more money, I could get a part time job for a couple nights at the beginning of the week.

The new job will allow me to schedule my meds and vitamins, my meals, and my exercising without having to account for flopping from being awake at night to being awake during the day and then back. For my post-op health, this will be great. There's just too much that needs to be planned ahead now and it is too hard to do with a rotating schedule. Plus, I might even eventually have the time and energy to see friends again!

I still have another month at my current position. An email was sent out to the department welcoming me to my new position and stating my switch date was June 25. I'd bet the delay is so that I can help train my replacement.

Okay, I'm vain. I admit it: I want my hair to look good.

Naturally, I am dark blond. Thanks to my good friend Performing Preference, I am generally some shade of red. My skin is super pale, I'm very freckled, and I am green eyed. Why not go red? Most people are surprised to find out my natural color and I've found Reds have more fun anyway. That saying about blonds is bullshit.

Since my hair started falling out a month and a half ago, I have held off on dying my hair. Didn't want to add stress to those follicles. When the Great Fallout began, I'd already been in need of a dye job, but I'd been putting it off because I was lazy.

Thanks to my B Complex vitamin, the loss seems to be minimal lately. My roots, on the other hand, were excessive and the rest of my hair was dull and ugly. So, I dyed it today.

The box was "True Red" or something of the kind, but it came out a light red. I can deal with that. Usually, the first week after dying, my hair is "Ridiculous Red" until it fades to a more natural color. We'll just skip the overly red phase this time.

Whenever I color my hair, even pre-op, I had breakage and some loss. Putting chemicals on hair does that. So, I'm not surprised that there was some today too.

Should I have dyed my hair when it was still falling out from my surgery? Probably not, but I felt so drab. I haven't lost weight in a couple weeks and my hair looked like shit. I wanted to make something better. I could fix my hair.

If I lose more hair, well, I guess what's left will be a pretty color.

In a related, yet not, story: When my mom was pregnant with me, she told people (jokingly!) that if I came out with red hair, she wasn't going to take me home. Guess what color my hair was upon my birth? Yup, I was a red head. She took me home anyway. I was, and am, just that damn cute.

Look at me, getting all quiet for a while! Who knew I could be quiet, let alone for nearly two weeks.

Several things come to mind to talk about:


I've been eating beyond my 1,000 cal limit for a few days. I'm usually very careful about keeping under or close to 900 calories a day. Lately, I've just wanted to eat. Could be hormonal. Could be that I didn't have the proper foods in house, so I subconsciously decided to eat whatever I wanted. Could be these are all just excuses. ;)

My work schedule leaves me especially tired, both physically and emotionally. It's hard to get any sort of structure in one's life when working different days of the week all the time.

I decided that a daytime, Monday to Friday job would be beneficial in dealing with my need for a routine and helping me feel less tired all the time. Luckily, there was a posting for a different job in my same department (different facility), so I applied.

I interviewed, which I think went well, and received a voicemail on Thursday saying that HR wanted to talk to me about the position. Sounds promising, right? It was beyond business hours when the person left the voicemail and I didn't get it until even later, so I called back on Friday at 2 PM (the earliest I could drag my butt out of bed. I was tired, like I said). She didn't answer, so I left a voicemail and then I called back at 3 PM with the same result. The person in HR didn't get back to me by the end of the business day on Friday, leaving this drawn out until sometime Monday.

While the idea of a new job with structure sounds great, I'm so very torn over it. There are several pros and cons and I cannot figure out which way to go. One severe con is a loss of a few thousand dollars in income yearly if they do not offer me a raise with the new position. Is getting a structured schedule, which will help me with my post op life--pills, meals, exercise--worth the added financial stress? I just can't decide. I've been thinking about this since I interviewed a week ago and still haven't come to a decision.

I've found that a good B Complex vitamin seems to be helping with hair loss. When I take it faithfully, the loss seems less. If I skip for a week, I start to lose more. This is pretty awesome to know. "Knowledge is power," and all that.

My current pill is not a chewable, but it's a small tablet, no larger than a Tylenol pill. At first, I was concerned that it would cause an intestinal blockage or something, as the doctors drill that possibility into pre-op minds, but I'm sure I've accidentally swallowed a piece of food larger than that without issue (remember: chew, chew, chew your food!).

My weight has been stalled lately. I heard somewhere that it usually happens around 3 months that, due to stress on the body, the system hords weight for a bit. I'm at 5 months and it's just now happening. I'm a late bloomer, I guess.

Other than keeping me 3 lbs from hitting the 100 lb loss mark, I'm not too upset. I'm trying to keep my activity up on my days off and walk during my breaks when I do work. I've had a few people say that I look like I've lost more weight and that really makes me think that I must be gaining muscle and losing fat. Though my weight is stuck, I'm sure my measurements are changing. That is okay by me.

Plus, someone stopped today and said, "anybody told you that you're looking sexy lately?" LOL Who can argue with a question like that?!

I'm learning to like walking a lot. It's fun to see how fast I can go or how far I'll make it. Such a change from a year ago.

The problem now is that I get bored with my music pretty quickly and I use music as a way to distract myself so I keep going. Obviously, it's not good that my music is boring me if I want to keep moving.

While searching for more/new music, I had a thought: "what about audio books?" An ongoing story, if it's good and narrated well, would continually change, so I wouldn't get bored as easily. I could focus on the story, because, really, all I have to concentrate on while walking is putting one foot in front of the other.

I decided this idea had merit, so I joined Audible for only $8 a month for 3 months (jacks up to $15 a month after that). That gives me 1 credit (1 book) per month and a discount on others if I want to buy more. If it doesn't work out, I cancel my subscription. I figured I've spent far more than $8 on something that I hated before. This is a cheap enough risk.

After joining, I couldn't decide on a book. Too much pressure. What if I pick one that's poorly narrated and waste my one credit?! Also, I normally read some really trashy books (yep, like me some smut--especially vampire smut), but the idea of listening to some person read my smutty book to me made me blush. Eventually, I decided on the next book in a (less trashy) vampire series that I'd previously been really into--Night Huntress Series, book 4, by Jeaniene Frost.

Thanks to work and weather, I had to wait to go for a walk outside. Finally, I was able to get out yesterday and test out the audio book/walking idea. It went great!

I ended up walking about 1.3 miles. It took me 45 minutes because I wasn't in a hurry. The narrator took a little getting use to, but, eventually, I was pulled into the story and forgot that someone was reading it to me. In that 45 minutes, I made it through nearly two chapters. That means this book will last me SEVERAL walks, making it well worth my $8. :)

People think that WLS is easy because you can't eat as much. Ah, no, that isn't the case. I can over eat. Tonight, I did just that and I am suffering.

That's the difference between non-surgery and surgery. Before my surgery, if I ate more than what I should, I may have just felt guilty or I may not have if I was mindlessly eating. Post-op, over eating is physically painful and not for just a half hour or something. No, it can hurt for HOURS. I feel like there's a heavy, large rock in upper abdomen (my new, little stomach).

There are three options for what my body will do with the food if there's too much in my stomach: 1) I may suddenly vomit. 2) I may suddenly have a bout of diarrhea**. 3) It will ever so slowly process the food, only allowing a little out of my over-full stomach at a time, prolonging my suffering.

Seems like #3 is going to be tonight's option, though I do keep getting hit with a little nausea.

I know why over ate and knowing triggers is part of preventing future issues, right? My problem was that I'd been so busy tonight at work that, when I finally got to eat, I was still racing. I ate too fast and there wasn't enough time for my stomach to tell my brain I was full before I too much.

I'm usually pretty good about not over eating, but it happens. When it does, my only option is to wait. So, that's what I'm going to do: wait to feel better.


**It was not intentional to make a sentence about diarrhea number two in my list, but still funny in a "I'm mentally a 12 year old" kind of way.

It's 9:30 in the morning and I've already gone on two walks totalling 50 minutes. Dr. PeopleSkills is never impressed, so he would say I didn't do enough. He wants me to walk an *hour* a day, not 50 minutes. heh-heh.

My nutritionist gave me the okay to eat raw veggies! I'm so excited! It gets hard eating pretty much just protein every day. I like variety.

I've been craving a salad since my surgery four and a half months ago. So, that's what I had tonight--cottage cheese, lettuce, grape tomatoes, alfalfa sprouts, and Kraft Zesty Italian Lite dressing. Yum! The cool part was that the whole salad, including the cottage cheese and dressing came to 51 calories (I eat small. lol).

The Nutritionist reviewed a few days worth of my food diaries and told me I'm doing great. She approves of what I'm eating completely. That was a relief, because I always worry about that.

She said I should continue as I am, though I can go as high as 1000 calories a day, instead of 800. I'm going to try to stick to 900 or less for now though. I can also have up to 6 oz at a time, instead of 4 oz. I think I'll play that by ear, depending on what I am eating and it's nutritional content.

In all, it was a great visit. I'm very happy with the outcome.

I've had Ibuprofen and caffeine tonight. I am going to Gastric Bypass Hell for breaking several Commandments, but I'd do it again!




When I was a little girl, I would get migraines that would make me dizzy. They're called ocular migraines, meaning symptoms effect the eyes (black spots, partial loss of vision, or, in my case, motion sickness/dizziness.). The feeling of being dizzy was sometimes so strong that I couldn't walk across a room. To rise from a sitting position to standing would send my head spinning. Mostly, I could sit still and not feel like the Earth was going to buck me off, but not always. Any of these activities, at any given moment, could make me so dizzy that I would vomit violently.




I've mostly grown out of having this type of migraine, but I was gifted with one tonight.




I'm constantly slightly dizzy, but I get hit with strong waves of it too from time to time. I'm at work, so I can't just sleep it off. I tried calling my supervisor so I could go home, but she wouldn't answer the phone. As a last resort, I've had a couple tablets of Ibu (not my first choice, but a girl has to take what she can get her hands on), and, when that didn't work, I tried a cup of black tea, which has caffeine.




Pain relievers and caffeine are big no-nos in my bariatric surgery program. From Day One, it's drilled in that pain relievers and caffeine can create ulcers in the "new" stomach. Well, I had 4 oz of yogurt with my Ibu to protect my stomach and I seriously doubt my first half cup of anything containing caffeine since my surgery is going to wreck anything.




Truthfully, the caffeine and Ibu didn't help. I'd do it again though if there was a possibility of it helping. I'll abstain most days, but a migraine is the exception.

Holy Bouncing Baywatch Boobs, Batman!

I bought a new swim suit. It's a cheap one from Walmart (whopping $15), but still pretty cute.

I think my old one was a 22/24 and it just wasn't keeping things stable when I was jogging in the water. The skin on my stomach is loose and, when I jog, I've found that my stomach moves up and down, launching my chest up and down with it. While I'm not stacked like Dolly Pardon or anything, it's a little more chest movement than I am comfortable with. The water I work out in is about chest high, so my boobs were bouncing in and out of the water. I felt like it was an awkward, plus-size Baywatch moment.

The new one is an 18/20 and, when I was jogging in the water today, it seem to hold my stomach a little tighter. Things didn't move as much.


When I tried on the suit the other day, I modeled for myself in the bathroom mirror. One thing I've noticed is that my butt is rounder. It use to be big, but flat. Does that make sense?

I'm not sure if it is just fat loss or partly because I'm more active, creating better muscle tone. Either way, I'm a fan.


On the subject of clothes...

I put on one of my Honey's sweat shirts and it fit! I only tried on one, because, when the first try is a success, why ruin it with another try?

Pics down nearly 70 lbs post-op

I'm bored and tired. Let's update pics!

These were taken over the weekend, about 4 months post-op. When I weighed in on Monday, I was at 227.5 lbs. That's a post-op loss of 69.5(!) and a total loss of 89.5 lbs! I'm pretty happy with the results so far.


In the face picture, I think I look a little drunk. It's my eyes. I can tell you the problem (and it wasn't Schnapps): I didn't have my glasses on and I'm so blind without them. Everything was fuzzy and I couldn't focus. The camera kept putting a huge glare in the lenses when I'd take a picture with my glasses on.

I posted pics about a month ago with comparisons to pictures from just after my surgery, if you'd like to see the difference.

So. very. tired.

I am planning to call my Internal Medicine doc tomorrow, because I'm just so darn tired all the time. I am worried that I may be anemic.

I had an appointment with him about a month ago--my first one post-op--and I thought he did some iron test, but I think it was a certain kind of iron. I'm going to ask him if he can run a general iron test and maybe some other tests that my explain why I am so tired.

I can sleep 8 hours, wake up for two, and sleep another 8 hours. Little things wipe me out very quickly. Today, for example, after getting a full night's rest, I got up, got ready, and drove 10 miles to visit with an acquaintance for an hour or so. We just sat at her kitchen table and talked. By the time I got home, I'd lost all my energy and could have easily gone to sleep.

This constant tiredness is wearing on my mental state also. I'm very discontent in my work as of late, feeling burned out on my schedule. It makes me quick to be irritated with people too, which is not something I am comfortable with.

Hopefully, Dr. Hal can figure something out. I'm a fan of sleep, but only when it's refreshing.


ETA:
Saw Dr. Hal today and he ran some more blood tests, which came back without any abnormalities. He figures my fatigue is a withdrawal symptom from lowering my Paxil dose from 20 mg to 10 mg.

He said that they've found that Paxil is very hard to get off of due to withdrawal symptoms like I'm experiencing (fatigue, feelings of malcontent, etc.). They generally end up putting the patient on another anxiety/depression med first and ween them off the Paxil.

The plan is to double my dose again, putting me back at 20 mgs. When I see him in 2 months (my 6 month post-op appt), if I still want off Paxil, we can look into adding that other med and slowly getting me off my original pill. By then, my body will be better healed from the surgery and I can better assess whether I even need an anxiety med anymore.

He believes that doubling my dose will help with my mood and energy.

5 AM and no calories left!

I've been so food obsessive today that I only have enough calories to have my two protein shakes between now and midnight tonight! It's five o'clock in the morning.

I'll actually be over 40 calories if that's all I have the rest of today, but I'll still be short on protein. Grrr!

If I were allowed more than 800 calories a day, what I ate wouldn't be so bad:
1/2 cup of cream corn
2.25 oz of tuna salad with lite mayo
1 serving of 13 Wheat Thins Fiber Select crackers
1 medium banana
1 tbsp Smucker's Natural Peanut Butter

So, my options are: A) be short on protein and only slightly over on calories (and be convinced I'll starve by the time midnight rolls around), or B) eat something high in protein tonight and increase the number of calories I'm over my allowed 800 per day.

I think I'll try to go with just the shakes after I wake up for work tonight, but I'll plan ahead and bring food in case I feel really hungry.



The root of the problem was several instances of poor planning and boredom.

1. I didn't bring food to my mom's place when I was doing laundry, so I had to search through her cupboards to find something within my food limits when I was really hungry around 1:30 AM. That lead to the cream corn.
2. I was home around 3 AM and was hungry again, so I had the tuna salad and too many Wheat Thins. <--I chose not to count out how many I wanted to eat and ended up having a full serving, instead of half. 3. Around 4:30 AM, there was a banana I found on the counter just about to go bad and oh how I love bananas and peanut butter. Well, I couldn't let that banana go bad! Being bored aided the decision to eat the 100 calorie banana and 100 calories tbsp of peanut butter--together, those two items are 25% of my daily calories. 4. Finally, I hadn't plugged my two required shakes into my food diary yet, so I didn't realize how few calories I had left for my meals. All preventable issues. I'm annoyed and frustrated with myself, but I'm going to look at this as a flub. I messed up and it will make me vigilant of my calorie usage in the future. These things happen and berating myself isn't going to fix anything. Learn and move forward, that's what I try to do. ETA:
It's 8:15 PM and I'm doing okay on just the shakes (so far). I have a string cheese in my lunch bag if things get dire--you know, like I begin to feel as if I could gnaw someone's arm off because I'm so hungry. I work in a hospital with sick people. I don't want to be gnawing on anybody here. Eeew!

I have nothing to do tonight at work other than wait for patients. All my other jobs are done, so I figure now's a good time to do an update...

I've officially lost 86.2 lbs, weighing in at 230.8 lbs! Also, I bought new scrubs in XL, thinking they'd be slightly too small yet, but I'd have them ready for the time they'd fit. Turns out, they already fit and I look fabulous. I'm wearing them tonight.

When I tried them on last night and I realized that I'm down to an XL from a 4XL (nearly a 5XL), I did an honest to goodness happy-dance. There was some major booty shaking.

Least favorite subject

One of the few subjects that I loathe to discuss is bowel movements and the resulting product. Plainly stated: I hate poop-talk. Sorry, can't stand it.

However, I'm a grown up, so sometimes it needs to be done. <---another reason why being an adult is overrated, in my opinion. At post op appointments, everyone, from the surgeon to the nutritionist, is interested in bowel movements--"how often?" "any constipation?"

Why am I posting about a subject I dislike? Because I had to break down and buy fiber tablets today. It's a common post-op reality.

The post op diet, at least the stage I am at, is focused primarily on getting protein in. All that protein-heavy food takes away space from fiber-rich foods. Plus, I'm not yet okayed to eat raw veggies, so that's another source I cannot access. Most days, I get between 4 and 7 grams. On a really good day, when I've been able to have a can of V8, I can get in around 10 grams of fiber. I should get AT LEAST twice that for optimum "regularity".

Truthfully, I'm tired of feeling bloated and digestively unhappy--unhappy enough to write about it! So, I decided to buck up and buy Fiber Choice sugar-free fiber tablets.

I've been good about taking my vitamins and prescribed pills lately. Now that I have a handle on those, a couple extra pills a day shouldn't mess me up...hopefully.

I have a hideous track record when it comes to consistently taking my pills. But, I'm growing as a person, as my body shrinks up. I'm more mindful of what needs to be done in my life and I'm doing a pretty good job of getting most of those things accomplished or, at least, started.

A Tale From A Post-Op, Novice Cook

Splenda. I'm not a great fan, but it'll do in a pinch (like when it's free at work and I need a sweetener). Tonight, the pinch was my royally silly attempt at reducing the spicy-factor of the chili I made and brought for dinner.

A coworker told me to use sugar to reduce the spiciness. I can't have sugar. We debated back and forth about whether Splenda would work. Finally, I decided to throw caution to the wind, since it was a whopping 3.5 oz container of chili that I had in the fridge, so it wouldn't be a huge loss.

The result? A very sweet, slightly less spicy bowl of "eh". It wasn't great. It wasn't horrible. It was just an amusing example of the strange things we Healthy Journey-ists (WLSers and non, alike) will do to have good taste and stay on track

Fatigue, my constant companion

Couple things going on for me:

1) I'm really tired all the time. I'm generally sleeping between 9 hours when I work and even more on my days off. I've lost 60+ pounds in three and a half months. I expect that to wear me down a little. If my body is stressed or improperly nourished enough to make me lose hair, that'll add to my fatigue, as will the fact that I had my period for three or more weeks (potential for anemia).

Travis gives me a hard time occasionally about me sleeping so much, but I just don't think he gets it. He's just noticing that, when he's awake and wanting to do something, I'm sleeping or tired and moody. If I'm still super tired in a couple weeks and he's still frustrated by my sleeping, we'll have to talk it out. I'm not terribly worried about that part.

2) My dad's 69th birthday is tomorrow (April 4). That means I have to stop dodging his calls and make actual contact.

As I mentioned in January, Dad and I don't have a great relationship. Being only 12, 13, or 14 years old and yet the more mature one in the relationship wore down my patience for him. Having him question whether I was truthful when I said I loved him at the end of a phone conversation a couple years ago was my breaking point, making me not want to deal with him at all.

Unfortunately, my mom's boyfriend is like a nagging little birdy, reminding me that my dad wants to talk to me and telling me how Dad has changed for the better**. So, on the off chance that Mom's boyfriend is right, I suppose I need to put on my big girl panties and try talking to Dad again. Wishing him a happy birthday is probably a good place to start.

Gosh! I have to pay bills, go to appointments, work hard, take all my pills, AND deal with my Dad. Being a grown up is such a pain in my saggy butt. ;)



**I still wish someone would tell me who gave them permission to be friends now. lol What happened?!

At a loss--hair loss!

There's no more denying it: I'm into the hair-loss phase and I'm not happy about it!

Over the last week, I've begun to have more hair left on my hair-bobs when I take them out. Today, I was brushing my hair after my shower and there was SO much that came out. :(

This is a pretty common thing for weight loss surgery patients, because we have two big stressers: a major surgery and fast weight loss. Both created lots of stress on our bodies. Plus, hair is all protein. If protein is needed elsewhere in the body, it'll be diverted from going to a non-essential area, like hair, and directed to muscles and such. This may be common in WLS patients, but I not like it!

Hair loss can also be an issue malnourishment--maybe not getting enough of a certain vitamin or maybe the protein intake is really that low.

If the hair loss is due to stressers, there's nothing I can do and the loss will resolve itself eventually (hopefully before I look like Mrs. Clean!). However, if it's a nourishment issue, I could do something. Since I don't know which is the problem, I'm going to treat the one I can.

First, I've increased my protein to at least 80 grams per day, which is up from 60 recommending by my Nutritionist. That reduces my ability to take in veggies (little tummies only hold so much), but I can drink V8 if need be to get that in. Secondly, I'm being diligent about my vitamins. I have struggled with those pills and the crazy scheduling I have to do to get them all in, but the time has come to give it my best effort. Third, I lightly massage my scalp twice a day to increase blood flow, which can aid growth. Hopefully, the combination of these three will make a difference.

I feel petty for freaking out about this, but I like my hair, damn it!

Changing sizes, changing style

I bought a size 20 pair of jeans from Fashion Bug's online store, figuring that, if they were still too small, they wouldn't be for long. I knew I was getting close to a 20, but not sure if I was quite there yet. Previously, I bought jeans that fit well and a week later they started to be too big, so I

So, the jeans arrived. I can squeeze my butt into them! It's tight, but not unbearable.

I wear a size 20! *happy dance* This time last year, I was wearing a 30.


I'm little flashier in my appearance and willing to wear clothes that may be a little smaller, rather than defaulting to muted and too big to hide my body. I'm still far into the obese BMIs(mine is currently 44.4 and the high end of the overweight BMI is 29.9), but still more comfortable with my body than I use to be. It's very obvious to me now that those clothes that were too big were just making me look bigger--they hid nothing.

I can see the flashiness showing in my new earring obsession. I had to buy a new jewelry holder today to handle my mass of acquired earrings. Also, I have a lot more bright, bold hair accessories (flower clips, etc.). My shirts are colors beyond darker shades of blue. My work scrubs are slimmer fitting and bold patters. I wear make up often now. It all adds up because I'm more confident and that confidence shows in my outward appearance.

I even posted on facebook for my friends to tell me if they're planning a party this summer so I have an excuse to buy a cute new dress. Trust me, dresses were not something I liked to wear before. My big arms and big calves were on display in a dress and, therefore, I wasn't wearing one. My arms are still big now (mostly, it's looser skin) and my calves are still kind of big, but I don't care. I know I look and feel so much better than I did before and I want to wear something as cute as I am, damn it! :D

Taking control of my life a year ago by making the decision to have bariatric surgery and to be mindful of my eating habits has translated into mindful living. I may have to plan and track a lot of my life, but it also makes me notice other parts, just like what I've described above. Mindful living has had a positive impact in all aspects of my life and I'm grateful for that.

What a difference a year makes!

I'm a day early, but we're going to call it close enough: One year ago, I met with my primary care provider (my PCP) to discuss being referred to a bariatric surgeon. So much has happened since then. In no particular order, here's a sampling of my last year:


**Went to (if I remember right) 26 pre-op appointments: 11 group therapies, 2 individual therapy appts, 1 exercise physiologist appt, 2 neuropsychologist appts, 4 surgeon appts, 4 nutritionist appts, 2 internal medicine appts

**Gone to 6 post-op appointments so far: 3 surgeon appts, 2 nutritionist appts, 1 group therapy

**Survived multiple Christmas celebrations while eating only a couple ounces of pureed foods.

**Have lost 60 pounds, post-op.

**Found that learning to eat post-op was a full time job for the first couple weeks.

**Allowed my picture to be taken.

**Bought a pedometer.

**Wore dresses, by my choice.

**Stayed in the hospital for five days and four nights, which was the first hospital stay since I was a toddler.

**Began swimming again and I love it.

**Joined a gym.

**Tried an exercise video.

**Involuntarily vomited after eating.

**Learned to listen to my body about whether it's hungry, how hungry it really is, and, if it's not hungry, why my brain wants me to eat.

**Started a blog.

**Considered taking a trip that involved a plane...and those dreaded plane seats.

**Had a barium swallow (bring a toothbrush and paste if you're going to have one!)

**Had my stomach tickled from the inside.

**Wore a size 30, 28, 26, 24, and 22.

**Found that people think that what I write is interesting.

**Received my first stitch.

**Lost 28 lbs, pre-op, by tracking what I was eating and making modifications.

**Gained 8 lbs of those pre-op pounds back (before surgery).

**Began making conscious food choices, instead of mindless choices.

**Smiled more.

**Had a serious case of cabin fever.

**My tummy turned purple, like a blueberry, from Heprin bruises.

**Lost 28 lbs, pre-op, by tracking what I was eating and making modifications.

**Amazed myself with my new-found ambition.

**Started walking.

**Walked more than 11,000 steps in a day.

**Nearly got rid of all my asthma issues.

**Stopped squeaking when I sleep.

**Realized that struggles don't have to be a totally private fight.

**Made some great friends.

**Tucked my shirt in without cringing at the view in the mirror.

**Had less back pain.

**Picked up heavy things that I would have had Travis take care of in the past.

**Learned how to cook a little.

**Moved my body more.

**Crossed my legs without realizing it.

**Loaded up tons of clothes that are too big.

**Enjoyed food without inhaling it.

**Realized that I do, in fact, have a collar bone.

**Found out that it's very hard to find an adult liquid pain reliever.

**Admitted that it was hard to give up my "big" clothes, because I'm afraid I'll gain the weight back.

**Took 3 months and 60 pounds, post op, for ME to truly be able to see the lost weight, but it has finally happened.

**Began drawing again.

**Bought an iPod for working out and walking.

**Physical movements became easier.

**My feet became skinnier.

**Had to give up wearing my engagement ring, when it became way too big.

**Lost a good portion of my double chin.